Fifty Awful Songs ... And Their Alter Egos

Why would anyone write a post about 50 great and terrible songs?  Because it’s my duty to recognize songs that are worthy and bring them to your attention.  And it’s fun to bug the heck out of someone with a truly awful earworm that will rattle around inside their head for the next two weeks.  But the real reason to do it is to see if you agree with me, or if you think, hey, that song isn’t great or that one isn’t awful.  In fact, I HATE the song that you love, and I LIKE that song you subject to ridicule.  Yes, we can disagree and maybe even do so respectfully.  And it’s better than me posting about 50 good and terrible smells (which I would do if I could figure out how to get each of you a scratch and sniff card). 

Now, to do fifty songs of each variety is a fair amount of work.  They all deserve comment on why they are loved or despised.  For the truly great and remarkably awful, I’m going to link in the youtube version of the song so that you can go, oh yeah, that song turns cloudy days into sunshine, or that song is worse than my dog’s breath after he has been out eating his own turds in the backyard.

This is going to take a while, so I’m going to do this in as many parts as necessary.  In order to kick this off, I’m going to start with the first five comparisons.  The themes for the songs selected generally come from the awful song.  Got it?  Good, I’m glad someone does.  If you are ready, take some deep breaths, keep those eyes on the horizon, and off we sail.

1. Good Carbon Song:Diamond Dogs, David Bowie
   Awful Carbon Song:        Diamond Girl, Seals & Crofts
    
   Comment:  This is all the fault of Seals & Crofts, two talentless “soft rock” geeks who wrote a cheesy song in the 70s that I was forced to listen to incessantly by cruel DJs who hated their listeners.  Diamond girl, you sure do shine?  No, that shine you see is the glisten of the sun on my puke laying on the sidewalk.  This is remarkably bad CROP (CRappy pOP) that will get inside your head and reside there for weeks, usually at a time when you are already stressed out, on a short fuse, and you’re seriously contemplating the gun show ad on the billboard you just drove past.  Why is it that sucky songs can stick in your head and you remember every word and note, but you can’t remember the name of your own kids?  I don’t know, but it’s as certain as death and taxes in the annals of human inevitability. 
    
   But don’t freak out!  David Bowie took the diamond thing and flipped it back to the good guys with Diamond Dogs, a great song beloved by everyone who is truly cool.  How can you not like a song that starts “This ain’t rock ‘n roll, this is genocide?”  It’s got a great groove, still sounds fresh and funky, and makes you believe again in the power of pressurized carbon.  David, thanks, RIP.   
   

 
2.  Good Animal Song:When Doves Cry, Prince
     Awful Animal Song:         Muskrat Love, America (redone – why?!? - by the Captainand Tennille).
 
Comment:  Have you ever read the lyrics to Muskrat Love?  Here’s a link – careful, don’t hit this link if you’ve just had a heavy meal as it’s the musical equivalent of “just one thin mint.”

http://www.lyricsfreak.com/a/america/muskrat+love_20007112.html