Living the Rock 'n Roll Lifestyle, Part One

Now, I know that you might be feeling a bit down, the holidays are over, winter is grinding on, and you’re stuck reading about all these rock ‘n rollers who are out having the time of their lives while you sit at a desk grinding out work for The Man.  Well, that’s bunk!  The Man is an ass!  So here’s the key to having fun:  you too can live a rock ‘n roll lifestyle.  Indeed, I have some suggestions for bringing rock into your everyday life.  Let’s get snappy and list some of those ideas, alright?  Here we go, Part 1:

Rule Number One - Live Like A Rocker:  Rockers sleep late and lay around the house a lot.  So do many suburban people, so you already have that one down.  Rockers love mischief, like, say, fireworks, particularly in suburban communities where they are banned.  So set off fireworks whenever the mood hits you.  I’ve personally found it satisfying to light them up at 3 in the morning on a Tuesday after staying up all night blasting new rock for your neighbors. 

Rockers also seem to go for drugs and booze, but I’m going to draw the line there.  I said to LIVE like a rocker, not die like one, hahaha.  And I would go with tattoos, too, but not all rockers have them, and now EVERYONE has them.  If you’re going to go with a tattoo, do it tastefully, like a huge eagle across your back.  Gothic letters that spell your name are effective for remembering how to spell your name.  And tramp stamps that look good as they expand with age are a solid choice for women.  Facial tattoos, however, are beyond the pale.  Examples of "yes" and "no" tattoos are shown below:

Yes!

No!

Rule Number Two - Dressing the Part:  It’s true that a lot of rockers dress, well, normal.  Then there are those that try to distinguish themselves through outrageous outfits, like Jimi Hendrix during his Band of Gypsies period.  That’s your sweet spot.  You need new glasses?  Think, WWED (What Would Elton Do)?  Why, yes, he would get those monster sized things with rhinestone studded wings and red-tinted lenses, and you should, too.  Why the hell not?  And clothes!  Rip ‘em, tear ‘em, wear crazy stuff that no one else would dare to wear.  Big boots!  Fur hats!  Sequined vests with no shirt underneath (particularly impressive on women)!  Pants so tight that the stitching screams for mercy with each step.  Yeah, baby, you go for it.  Hustle your way on down to the Salvation Army and stock up on the stuff no one else wants because you can carry it. 

Here are some great work glasses guaranteed to impress The Man!

Rule Number Three - Write Terrible Lyrics on Napkins or Scraps of Paper and Leave Them Everywhere.  There are few things more humbling than trying to write great rock lyrics.  Yeah, right.  In fact, most rock lyrics were written in the bathroom after snorting some blow.  That is, unless those lyrics are things like “I don’t wanna be a pinhead no more/I just met a nurse that I could go for.”  Those classics must have taken many minutes to write, don’t you think?  So clearly, you, too, can write rock lyrics.  The formula is pretty easy.  Write about girls, cars, hanging out with your friends, how different and misunderstood you are, how deeply you are hurting, how much you want to have sex or do drugs, etc.  It’s not hard.  But to look truly “rocker,” you need to do this and then leave these lyrics all around your house, preferably close to an ash tray full of stubbed out cigarettes.  So when friends come over, you can tell them that, yeah, it’s your latest song, but it still needs work.  How bitchin’ is that?  Pretty bitchin’

Alright, I'm just getting started with my rules for living like a rocker.  Part One is done, but dry your tears and remember that there is plenty more where that came from.  I may not get to Part Two for a wee bit as I have two more live music events to report on, as well as a special Valentine's Day post for the lovers in the group.  And with that, I will see you on tomorrow's police blotter.  Smile!