Rock 'n Roll Pet Peeves, Part 1

I love virtually everything about rock ‘n roll.  But then again, as I think about it, there are some things that could make rock even better.  Yes, I have some pet peeves that I am going to share with you.  In fact, I have enough to cover two posts.  Now, don’t go all giddy thinking that I’m falling off the r ‘n r bandwagon.  That ain’t going to happen.  But in the human quest for perfection, or even just a better experience, I share these with you so that the rock world continues to develop.    

Ready?  Too bad!  Here comes Part 1 of BillyRocksPhilly’s Rock ‘n Roll Pet Peeves anyway.

1. Ticket fees.  Alright, I’m game to buy a $25 ticket to a show.  And now I’m going to be charged two fees?  Yes I am.  I’m going to print the ticket on my printer using my paper and my ink.  Why do I have to pay Mr. Ticket Seller a fee for printing the ticket?  I don’t know, but I do.  And then, of course, is the even worse fee that I have to pay simply to buy the ticket off of the web.  Why do I have to pay a fee to you that is equal to about 20% of the face value of the ticket for each ticket?  Because you wrote an algorithm, that’s why!  Why isn’t that included in the ticket price?  I recognize that Mr. Ticket Seller needs to make money, too, but on every ticket for every show and the price for that algorithm never goes down?  Cut me a break, man.  I hate that crap.
   
   
2. The encore.  Is the encore the stupidest tradition in rock or what?  You mean, after paying top dollar to see a performer put on a show, I now have to cheer, stomp and beg the band to come back and play a few more songs that they were already going to play?  I mean, it is right there on the playlist!  Here’s the issue:  the band breaks up the momentum of the show so that they can go and get another beer or something.  I’ve seen many bands that have the crowd really jumping, then they take 5 minutes to do whatever they do backstage, only to come back on and do … a boring ballad.  Ugh!  It’s worse than Deflate-Gate at that point, but without the detailed investigations, court cases, and band member suspensions.  True story:  I was in Wilmington seeing Joe Ely upstairs at the Queen.  There were maybe 50 people there.  I had a choice spot where I could see Joe on stage, and also see what he was doing when he left the stage.  Well, here’s exactly what he did:  He left, stood off to the side where most of the crowd couldn’t see him, stared at nothing, and waited a few minutes while listening to the deafening roar of 50 people checking their cell phones.  Then he came back on stage.  What was the point of that?  More and more bands are beginning to play straight through – the English Beat and Collective Soul are two bands that never play an encore.  Kudos to them!
   
   
3. Groupies.  I never understood how the guys in the band wanted to screw some slut, and then move to the next town on the following evening and do yet another skank.  There is one word for you guys:  NASTY.  In the medical profession, rockers are often known as Patient One for the next vicious STD.  But the rock guys wouldn’t be able to do it if there weren’t a stable full of women wanting to lay down their honor for rock ‘n roll.  At the recent Catfish show I attended, I was located close to the stage, and there was a guy representing the band who actually trolled the crowd and brought girls up to “party with the band” after the show.  Um, ladies, I think that means that they get you drunk/stoned, don’t remember your name as they screw you, and then move on to the next town and do it all over again with some other hose bag.  And they call this “making love,” haha.  Band dudes, you are foul.  Girls, you will need to explain to me what this is all about.  And both of you – is it really such a great story to tell your kids or spouse, you know, that you had loveless sex with dozens of people? 
   
   
4. Fake Smoke.  In the 70s, I saw a lot of bands that used dry-ice smoke in their show, and it permeated the venue (well, that and other combustibles).  It was cool when I was 15.  But now, I go to clubs, and they are actually piping the stuff in from the sides to make the clubs look smoky.  People can’t smoke in clubs anymore, but I guess the club owners like the hazy look.  I don’t care for it.  It affects the lighting, the visuals, and the photos.  What is the point?  Can’t we be somewhere with sparkling clean air and be happy about that?  Or does every club need to try to recreate the vibe of a Lenny Bruce movie poster featuring a smoky bar in New York?  C’mon, already.
   
   
5. The Hyper Fan.  Yes, I get excited to see bands that I really love.  When the music is cranking, I groove to it.  If there is space and the song is danceable, I dance.  That’s fun.  But then there is the hyper-fan, the guy who isn’t moshing, but can’t stay in his own space.  He’s backing up into you, or bouncing twice as fast as the beat and bumping you with every bounce.  And just when you think it couldn’t get more annoying, he turns, faces you and then serenades you with an off-key version of the chorus of your favorite song while spewing garlic breath in your face.  Son, I’m sorry, but I came to hear the band sing their songs, not you.  The worst is when the hyper-fan also smells bad.  It happens all too frequently.  Hyper fan can cover the cost of a ticket and a bunch of beers, but apparently that bar of Dial is too expensive.  I remember seeing the Damned and one stinky hyper fan kept bumping into my buddy.  After the show, when we were outside the club, my friend noticed that he now smelled rank due to hyper fan.  The inhumanity!
   

OK, that’s it for Part 1.  I’ll be back with Part 2 shortly.  In the meantime, how about that Hokie basketball team?  They knocked off Michigan on the road last night, coming from 15 points down, and now stand at 6-1.  Every day is a great day to be a Hokie, but last night was super cool.

Catch you on the flip side.